How to Improve your Relationship with the Minding Model
September 5th, 2011
It’s often not possible to change your fixed circumstances of your relationship ( if you have young kids for example, especially below the age of 5), so the key to maintaining a relationship is to focus on how to make it last and grow.
The Minding Model of relationship development has identified five specific components of successful relationships.
1) Knowing and being known is about behaviour that aims at learning about each other. This means questioning and disclosing knowing about thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values and past history. This is not just about self expression but its a genuine attempt by either partner to really understand the other, what makes them tick etc. This knowledge can help improve the relationships, ( e.g one cooks more than the other because he/she know that his partner hates to cook). Knowing can be harder as the relationship progresses as we are at risk of taking the other for granted.
2)Attributions are the explanations that we make about our partner’s behaviour. partner. Attributional activity reflects our trust and belief in our partners. When we attribute our partners’ negative behaviors, such as rudeness or insensitivity, to outside causes we are essentially telling ourselves that they are not really insensitive; it is the situation. We believe better of them. However, if we attribute our partners’ positive, caring acts to outside events or to self-interest, we are convincing ourselves not to believe in their love, not to trust their sincerity.
3) Acceptance and respect are necessary at all time even during times of conflict. Accepting the other partner’s point of view and working out comprises together is key. Research has show that happy couples have a ratio of negative to positive exchange of one to five.
4) Reciprocity relates to the sense of equality, where each other input and take out of the relationship equally. A relationship is working well when nobody is taken advantage of. Equal distribution of housework or child care can be an example. While it is perfectly fine to take certain roles ( for convenience), it has to involve respect, recognition and appreciation.
4) Continuity is necessary because this process never stops, because a relationship is always developing, adjusting to changing situations, changes in life cycles and personalities. This explains why empty nest syndrome is such a pivotal point in many womans lives, once their children leave home, the are left to examine closely their relationships with the remaining partner.
Further reading about the Minding Model can be found here
http://www.psychology.uiowa.edu/faculty/harvey/minding.pdf
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